This is an opinion column.

There’s trouble. Right here in Alabama. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for …

Puh-lease.

I mean come on. River City ain’t got nothing on Alabama, where book banners now inhabit the Alabama Public Library Service Board. Where state GOP chief John Wahl – this from the Alabama Political Reporter –  wants the attorney general to give that board more legal authority to determine what local libraries can allow the citizens of Alabama not to behold.

So of course it’s a slippery slope into … classic theater.

Trouble. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool.

Forgive me if you don’t know the reference from “The Music Man.” It’s not just a show for the ages. Turns out it’s one for the aged.

In it the music man realizes that if he is to gain the trust of the townspeople of River City he must manufacture a threat, stoke fear and lather up loathing for a common foe. In his case, the perfect foe was a pool hall.

It’s a lot like Alabama’s own River City, where demonizing the different is an art, where finding something to fear is a unifying force to be harnessed, by the adept, for profit and power and personal gain.

And now it’s libraries.

So sing along with me if you are of a certain age.

Because I think I see a politician coming our way – followed by a band of pitchfork-packing prudes and Prattville protesters who want to disinfect your thoughts. He’s whipping up that mob, like all the great hucksters do.

Boy, can he carry a tune:

Well, you got trouble, my friend

Right here, that’s right. Trouble in River City.

Trouble. With a capital T and that

Rhymes with B and that stands for books.

Now I know you folks are the folks who know best how everyone else should live.

But there’s nothing as scary

as a library

so listen as I fill you in.

Have you ever seen

(Yeah, yeah)

One of these buildings

(Yeah, yeah)

With books piled up

(Yeah, yeah)

All over the place?

(Noooo!)

By all these people

(Yeah, yeah)

Who write about the past

(Yeah, yeah)

Like the good old days

(Yeah?)

Weren’t always great?

(Noooo!)

They have books about witches

(Oh no!)

And books about fairies

(Oh no!)

And sometimes people

(Mmm hmm)

Dress funny and read.

(Noooo!)

Imagine what happens

(Yeah, yeah)

When children read something

(Uh-oh)

Something you didn’t tell them

(Oh nooo)

And you might disagree.

(Noooo!)

They might talk about science

(Yeah, yeah)

As if it was a real thing

(Yeah, yeah)

They might talk about God

(Yeah, yeah)

As if he was not

(Noooo!)

They might talk about people

(Yeah, yeah)

As if they can be different

(Yeah, yeah)

As if they can be different

(Yeah, yeah)

From Mom and Pop.

(Noooo!)

Yeah we’ve got trouble. Beyond River City.

With a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for books!

Just imagine what happens

(Yeah, yeah)

When children start to realize

(Yeah, yeah)

That people don’t have to

(Yeah, yeah)

Live just like us

(Noooo!)

They’ll start to believe

(Yeah, yeah)

They can be anything

(Yeah, yeah)

And how could it be

(Yeah, yeah)

Any worse than that?

(Noooo!)

A boy with a dolly

(No, no)

A girl with a sword

(No, no)

He might go dancing

(No, no)

She might see the world.

(Noooo!)

And then he might see

And she might see

That it’s bigger than you.

(Noooo!)

And it’s bigger than me!

We’ve got real trouble. Way beyond River City. With a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for …

This is some BS.

John Archibald is a two-time Pulitzer winner at Al.com. He offers his deepest apologies to Music Man.